PacMan Jones Interview

Anyone who watches the NFL on a regular basis will tell you that Adam "PacMan" Jones is a tremendous talent. Sixth overall pick in the 2005 NFL draft out of West Virginia. Track star speed. A leader on the field.

An athletic and physical corner, Jones is among the top players at his position. A dynamic game-breaker in the return game, Jones has the ability to make an impact whenever he steps on the field.

For all his talent and promise on the field, Jones is a complete enigma off it. Since joining the professional ranks, brushes with the law have occurred with astonishing regularity ... and have escalated steadily to a more criminal nature. Alleged offenses included assault, felony vandalism, public intoxication, obstruction of justice, and even multiple spitting incidents. PacMan's prodigious body of misbehavior culminated during the NBA all-star break in Las Vegas last February when a money-tossing free-for-all at a strip club led to a shooting that ultimately paralyzed the victim. The incident not only landed the phrase "make it rain" a permanent spot in the American lexicon, but also landed Jones in the crosshairs of NFL sheriff Roger Goodell. The NFL commish had finally seen enough and suspended the mercurial Jones for the entire 2008 season.

Since the suspension, Jones has continued to stay in the news, parlaying his "bad boy" image into a tag team gig with TNA wrestling and opportunities in the music industry.

In the spirit of riveting exclusive one-on-one interviews with controversial athletes, The West Bias has been able to secure an exclusive (and completely and utterly fictional) interview with Adam “PacMan” Jones over the holidays.

Here are excerpts from the interview. The full unedited interview can be seen in its entirety after this Sunday’s AFC championship game on “59 Minutes” on See-BS.

I understand that your nickname PacMan comes from your voracious thirst for milk as a child. What is your favorite type of milk?

I love whole milk. The pure unadultered shit. None of this skim or 2 % bs.

I can always tell which bitches drink the whole and which don't. I don't make it rain for no skim-drinking stripper.

I understand you have been collaborating on a rap album with Spoaty and Posterboyz. How is that going? Can you spit a few sick rhymes for us?

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head ...
I want to know, have you ever seen the rain ...
And I love a rainy night ...
I've seen fire and I've seen rain ...
Somewhere over the rainbow ...
Little drops of rain, whispers of the pain...
It's rainin' men, hallelujah it's rainin' men...
Purple rain, purple rain
I, I, I, I am the rain king
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

How you like me now bitch?

So do you smoke weed? The ganja? Herb?

No, never.

Your thoughts on the Michael Vick situation?

I like Mike, but he should know better man. If you're going to gamble away your entire career, you go to Vegas. Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

I see you are part of the TNA wrestling family. What attracted you to TNA? What's your finishing move?

What attracted me to TNA? For real for real? You serious? That's too easy man. Too easy.

My finishing move? The rainmaker of course. I throw a bunch of bills in the ring and let the bitches chase after it. Then I pop up em with my favorite foreign object. Know what I'm sayin' player? It's light out from there. Them bitches love the rainmaker.

Like the Million Dollar man said, everyone's got a price.

I guess you still watch football. What are your thoughts about the playoffs.

I like that Tom Brady cat. He's a straight pimp man. Kid with one hot model and dating another. And he's a pretty good QB too. Keep it pimpin' pimp.

Tony Romo. He's a player too. I'd hit that Jessica Simpson in a heartbeat.

Thoughts on the upcoming election?

I have always been fascinated with the electoral process in America. The two-party system is the very foundation of our democracy and I welcome the vigorous debate it engenders. The 2008 election is shaping up to be a watershed moment in American political history.

I consider myself to be a fiscal conservative but more moderate to liberal in terms of social issues. To me, our next president should be more isolationist in foreign affairs and open-minded in terms of domestic policy.

Uhhh, OK. Last question. Pacman, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

What kind of punk-ass question is that? A friggin' tree? C'mon now man. What a stupid question. Who told you to ask me that?

If I were a tree? For real?

OK. If I were a tree, I'd be a money tree. So I can make it rain all day long. Like that kids book.

Or an oak. Like Wyatt Earp in Tombstone. Yep, I'm an oak alright.



Editor’s Note: David Gignilliat is a freelance writer in the vast suburban sprawl of Northern Virginia. He likes to crochet, name inanimate objects and has a profound passion for slang. Please check out his “modern invented slang” blog Quixotica at http://quixoticawords.blogspot.com/. It’s the ant’s pants.