Don't Buy Into the Hype

I can't take it anymore, enough is enough. Someone has to have an intervention with ESPN. If I see Mel Kiper's mop-head one more time yappin' about the NFL Draft I'm going to tear down my wall size Ryan Leaf poster.

Call me crazy, but ESPN's pre-draft coverage is completely ridiculous. They even break in the middle of NBA playoff games so Merril Hodge and Trey Wingo can argue about some Offensive Lineman I've never heard of-- who, after Saturday's draft, will make more money in one year than I'll make in my lifetime.

You know who else is crazy? People who have draft parties and watch the draft on TV wearing their favorite team's jerseys (sorry, Uncle Joe). I might actually watch the draft, in normal clothing, if I didn't have to wait 10 minutes (used to be 15 minutes) in between draft picks. It would seem like common sense to me that as an NFL GM or coach, I would have a list of players I want--and if the top player on my list gets picked before my turn to draft then I cross him off and draft the next player on my list. I really don't need 10 minutes for that. There, I just cut the 1st round from 5 hours to 25 minutes. I dominate.

What’s that you say? The reason they have 10 minute breaks between picks is so teams can trade up or trade down to fit their needs? Too bad, not in my draft. Teams like Baltimore have had 3 weeks of Mel Kiper’s mop-head telling them to trade up so they can be sure of getting Matt Ryan.

If you're anything like me, your name is Matt Toomey and your draft party starts at 11am on Saturday. You are all invited.

Bravo NFL

Early March is one of the busiest times of year in the sporting world. With NCAA basketball and the NBA gearing up for the playoffs as well as Major League Baseball getting going for another season it is hard not to be excited about sports.

However, the sport dominating television and radio airwaves is a sport that lives not in the rebirth and change of spring, but the cold and mud of fall and winter. Today I wondered, “What is it about the NFL that is so intriguing, even when the season doesn’t start for six months.” Why does the NFL combine and NFL free agency draw as much press as the NBA, college basketball and baseball combined? It’s simple, “Football is America.”

The NFL Combine

This statement sounds clichéd and trite, but it holds much truth. For example, two weeks ago, I noticed I had set my Tivo to record nine hours of NFL combine coverage. Call me a loser all you want, but I was doing more than watching the future NFL players run, jump and catch. I was watching the best athletes America has to offer perform. That’s right I said, football players are the best athletes.

Through marketing, multi million dollar contracts, and year round coverage, football has become America’s sport. And it makes since that America’s game would attract America’s top athletes. For this reason, the United States will never win the World Cup and Major League Baseball will have to continue to import its talent from abroad, because the best athletes in America do not pick up soccer balls.

NFL athletes run and jump to levels that rival world class track and field athletes with bodies the size of Sherman Tanks. I don’t need to see the US compete in Beijing this summer to watch America’s best. Watch Darren McFadden run the forty yard dash and Glenn Dorsey doing cone drills and you will have seen all you need to see.

NFL Free Agency

Lucky for us hardcore NFL fans, not only do we get the NFL combine to sink our teeth into, but one week later we get NFL free agency. NFL free agency, might be the greatest thing football does next to the Super Bowl itself.

As a diehard fan of a typically mediocre team, NFL free agency gives you a feeling the season doesn’t. You get the feeling of success without your team setting foot on the field. You get a hope that the new players on your team will put your team over the top to achieve the ultimate goal. You are finally allowed to hold your head high because last season is in the past and you have six months to enjoy the hope that this is finally the year.

Bravo NFL, Bravo.

NFL: Spygate is Dead, Arlen Specter: I Want to Make Roger Goodell Look Dumb

I'm going to make a promise to myself that this will be the last time I post anything on SpyGate until some kind of actual new evidence comes forth. As far as the NFL, Commissioner Goodell and at least the Pittsburgh Steelers are concerned the issue is dead. Here's what the Steelers had to say about the taping of their defensive signals in 2004 (which Arlen Specter is still OUTRAGED at): "We consider the tapes of our coaching staff during our games against the New England Patriots to be a non-issue. In our opinion, they had no impact on the results of those games. The Steelers fully support the manner in which Commissioner Goodell handled the situation and the discipline that he levied against those who violated league rules. We are confident that the Commissioner has taken appropriate action in his investigation of this matter, and will do so again if new information arises which requires further investigation and or discipline."

None of this is deterring Specter from threatening to hold Senate Hearings. Apparently he cares more than the teams that the Pats supposedly cheated against. I guess he's fine with the government spying on the American people (see wiretapping), but if an NFL team spies on another NFL team LOOK OUT! So if other teams aren't outraged by Spygate, why is Specter? Well, as we've stated in the past one of Specter's largest donors is Comcast, the cable company that is currently in a stalemate with the NFL over putting the NFL Network on their service. The battle has been at a stalemate for nearly two years (Time Warner Cable is another cable service at odds with the NFL). Could it be that Specter is out to make Goodell look bad? That the Patriots and SpyGate are just a pawn in ultimately cracking the NFL's will to put their network on basic cable and not on a Sports Tier? Here's what the Daily Show had to say about it: http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=156703&title=torture-talk-cia-tapes&byDate=true

This is quickly becoming an NFL vs. Arlen Specter issue. Not the New England Patriots vs. the NFL and Arlen Specter. Commissioner Goodell has stated he would not have done anything differently. The Patriots were appropriately punished for the crime they committed. For those like SI.com (who posted a stupid poll asking what further punishment should be levied on the Pats ('no further punishment' was not an option)) who are under the delusion that some kind of new evidence was uncovered this week: THERE WASN'T. The only thing that happened this week was Arlen Specter acting like a jackass.So let me spell it out one more time for anyone out there who's still confused: As far as the NFL is concerned SPYGATE IS DEAD. Arlen Specter can hold Senate hearings, that won't produce any more evidence. If the Assistant Golf Pro (I refuse to use his name from here on out because he's a wannabe fame whore) comes forward with new evidence then there will be something to talk about. Goodell has already stated that they've found "evidence to the contrary" that the Patriots taped the St. Louis Rams Super Bowl 36 walkthrough. So until the time that something new is produced I'm done writing about SpyGate. And all the other fans out there should be done crying about it.

Roethlisberger New Contract

2007 was a new beginning for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Not only did it mark the first time in over a decade that the season would start without Bill Cowher as the team’s head coach, but it also saw the return of Ben Roethlisberger to star play. Pittsburgh’s first round draft choice in 2004 saw a drastic change in play this year compared to the disaster in 2006. Big Ben led the league 2 seasons ago with his 23 interceptions (compared to just 20 total the 2 seasons before) and his team fell flat of a playoff appearance after just coming off a Super Bowl victory the previous January. The 8-8 mark left fans with a bitter taste in their mouth and also gave Bill Cowher enough reason to “retire”.

Enter the 2007 season which saw a dramatic change. First Mike Tomlin took over the reigns as head coach and second Roethlisberger flourished once again. He looked much like the young promising rookie who led Pit to a 15-1 mark in 2004, than the misguided 3rd year pro who didn’t even get them to the post season in 2006. He seemed refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready for football again. Was it the departure of Cowher that led to the revival? It’s a question that many were left asking. The relationship Roethlisberger has with Tomlin compared to his relationship with Cowher is very apparent. Cowher is one of the most fiery head coaches in the game, whereas Tomlin is seen more as a laid back Tony-Dungy type. Whatever the reason the team responded very well to the coaching change & once again stood atop the AFC north as champion after a hard fought battle all season long with the rival Browns. Although the season ended with a disappointing injury to stud runner Willie Parker in week 17 and a wild card round loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars the following week, there is much potential for another stellar season in 2008. As the off-season now fast approaches with the Pro Bowl ending last night, the Pittsburgh brass will have a lot on their minds. The team will have all the familiar faces coming back next year, besides guard Alan Faneca who is expected to look for a 7 figure type deal similar to the one Steve Hutchinson received from the Vikings a couple of seasons ago. Depending on the rehabilitation of Willie Parker the team will once again figure to have a top 5 rushing offense. So what is there to think about?

Look at the rookie contract of Ben Roethlisberger, which as of right now as 2 years remaining, pending an extension from the team. Big Ben’s sensation play in his first four seasons, along with a shocking Super Bowl win in just his second season, should be enough for the team to give him a long term contract extension. As easy as it seems one should never assume. The Steelers organization has never been known as giant spending. In the past they have parted ways with some very good players without even blinking an eye. Remember Antwaan Randle El’s contributions in the Super Bowl win? Seemingly forgotten as the team made little attempt to bring him back the following season and watched as he was swooped up by the Redskins for $36 million. Last year the team cut loose leader and former pro bowl linebacker Joey Porter without a second thought. Perhaps now that move is justified with the play of James Harrison and Porter’s drop off he had after going to Miami. Still, the worth of a franchise quarterback is very hard to determine. How much is a team willing to pay for a guy that can lead the team for a decade? Tom Brady’s contract is in the $60 million range and he has led the Patriots to 3 championships. What is Roethlisburger’s worth after achieving 3 playoff appearances and a Super Bowl in his first four seasons? The potential he could make as a free agent maybe more than the franchise would ever consider paying out. Don’t forget the team has asked players before to take the “hometown discount” in an effort to keep established stars but for less money. Just ask defensive back Ike Taylor about that, as he signed a 4 year $13 million extension after the Super Bowl, considered incredibly low for a starting DB in the NFL (he has since struggled, even being sent to the bench). Fans must hope that for a position that is the hardest to play in sports will result in the Steelers doing the right thing and giving its quarterback what he deserves and a contract that is fair to both sides. Big Ben will surely remember the deal the Colts gave Manning or the one the Falcons gave then superstar Mike Vick. The difference? Both of those quarterbacks signed their fat contracts before winning a Super Bowl, let alone winning one. 84 touchdowns, 3 playoff appearances, a Super Bowl Trophy. That is what Roethlisberger has to show since being the 11th pick in 2004 out of Miami, OH. The hope now is that Pittsburgh will have Big Ben to show for another decade or so. The cards are in the Steelers hands and now is the right time to deal.

Let's Honor Our Military & NFL

The Hustle by Danny Russell

Boy, we sure can heap tons of patriotic attention and hoopla onto our
military veterans during holidays and championship football games.
Sometimes, I'm amazed at how we celebrate their greatness. We honor our
veterans with uniformed marching guards, giant flickering flags,
nationalistic songs, and speeding jet fighters roaring overtop
sparkling new capacity filled stadiums. Every Sunday for over half a
year we worship our gridiron greats as they sacrifice their bodies and
souls for the game we love in the country we love – all for our
entertainment. But what happens after the last whistle? What’s life
really like when the lights go out? What ensues after the very last
satellite truck rolls out of town? Where do we go after the
championship and welcome home parades are over?

We go shopping at the promenades and malls of America trying not to see
the homeless military vets living in the alleyways. We step over men
and women sleeping in the streets on our way back to the car with our
new toys that we really can’t afford. We kick the homeless to the curb
while holding our breath to avoid inhaling the stench of urine then
speed away into the night driving gas guzzling SUV’s with “Support Our
Troops” bumper stickers.

Since this is a sports column, I won’t get political but it must be
pointed out that it is us, the American public, who pays for and
subsidizes all of these new mega sports venues with our tax dollars
while already rich owners fleece us and get richer. Our tax dollars are
also supposed to provide excellent medical care for military vets but
something has gone very wrong. The next time you get the chance, go
check out and visit your local VA hospital. Most likely, the buildings
are old and crumbling, the medical equipment is outdated, and the
entire program is mismanaged and woefully under funded.

I’ll just mention one more fact about military veterans then back to
sports – according the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs almost
one-third of the homeless population have served their country in the
Armed Service. Enough said.

Meanwhile, many NFL vets will never stroll along the promenades or
malls of America because they can no longer walk. Many NFL vets can’t
even step up high enough to get their foot onto the curb.

So, what happens to 300 pound men who live in constant pain and can’t
go to the bathroom without help or reach down to tie their own shoes?
They sit in darkened rooms losing their minds while popping pain pills
that they’ve paid for by pawning off all their belongings because their
insurance and pension has evaporated.
And what happens when they can’t pay the rent and lose everything
including their families? They fall through the cracks and join the
ranks of the homeless right next to their fellow homeless military
veterans living in tattered sleeping bags.

This must stop! These insane, cruel, shameless heart breaking stories
must change immediately.

Most of us have heard horror stories about the mental and physical
problems of former NFL players and how they suffer yet somehow we still
believe that our former football gods must be fine and are doing pretty
well after playing in the richest league in the world. After all, they
are paid millions for doing something they love. They are treated like
stars for the rest of their lives and their families are set for
generations, right?

Wrong.

The battle between players and both the NFL and the Players Union over
pensions and disability health care has been raging for decades. Only
way too recently has the taboo subject bubbled up in the news because
of the advocacy of a few brave outspoken former players like Hall of
Famer Mike Ditka, former Pro Bowler-turned-often-injured journeyman
Kyle Turley, and celebrated tough guy former St. Louis Cardinal lineman
Conrad Dobler.

Dobler recently spoke in front of 30 former players including Ditka,
Turley and among others Hall of Famers Mean Joe Greene, Carl Eller,
Harry Carson, Willie Davis, and Gale Sayers. Also present was past
Super Bowl playmakers Don Maynard and Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson.

Dobler says he's paid for his playing days with 17 surgeries and five
knee replacements. He is 90% disabled and struggles to make ends meet
on an NFL pension that pays players of his era – a lousy $100 a month
for each year of NFL service. Dobler, 57, started applying for
disability when he was 42. During a recent press conference Dobler, who
made the list for dirtiest-player-ever half-joked, half-groaned, "I've
been turned down more than all the sheets at the Marriott."

Recently, a dear friend of my wife, actress Tara Joyce, who by the way,
appears in the new Joan Rivers play in Westwood at the Geffen Theatre,
called and asked me if I’d watched the latest episode of HBO’s Real
Sports with Bryant Gumbel about the nightmarish lives of two wives and
one ex-wife of former NFL players who struggle daily with their
husbands’ physical and mental problems. I had seen the heart wrenching
segment entitled Family Burden by correspondent Jon Frankel and it was
extremely moving.

We discussed the terrible events and how the wives lives after the NFL
are far from glamorous or wildly successful. All three players careers
in the report ended because of physical and mental ailments caused by
injuries and pain.

One player, former Kansas City Chief Joe Phillips, began drinking
heavily after realizing he could no longer live without playing. Now,
the former United Way spokesman is a wanted fugitive in multiple states
for drinking and driving. When he was ordered to appear in court, he
simply disappeared into thin air. That’s a pretty good trick for a 6’5”
300 pound man. His wife Cindy Phillips said that while he played his
compulsion was working out and staying in shape but after retiring his
compulsion quickly turned into bad and destructive habits. It was like
he snapped and replaced the thrill and violence of playing with drugs
and by hanging out with people he’d never associate with before. She
said he became verbally, physically, and sexually abusive too. She and
their three kids haven’t seen him for the last two years.

Another story tells of Brandi Winans, the ex-wife of former Super Bowl
champ Jeff Winans and how she has lived in fear for years after Jeff’s
mind turned cloudy and dark after being knocked out 11 times from
suffering concussions. He too became abusive and violent and
experienced black-outs after downing painkillers by the bottle to deal
with his constant pain.

And then there’s the sad tale of Autumn DeMarco, the wife of
35-year-old former Michigan State standout lineman and five-year NFL
veteran Brian DeMarco. She tearfully recalls the time she and her
family were forced to live in a storage unit. And how Brian can’t even
use the bathroom without Autumn's help. She saved his life when she
found him trying to hang himself with a belt after he became hell bent
on collecting a life insurance policy because he thought he was worth
more dead than alive.

It’s not only former players and their wives that suffer – its entire
families. Take the unfortunate story of Garrett Webster, the son of the
late great former Hall of Fame Pittsburgh Steelers’ center “Iron” Mike
Webster, who testified in front of Congress that his father had
suffered from mental illness that was widely attributed to head
injuries.

"I would give my life to never see another family end up like mine,"
Webster said.

Hopefully, by exposing the tragic truth of these former NFL veterans'
lives, we will no longer sweep their stories under the field turf. Like
our homeless military veteran brothers and sisters - they have been
ignored.

Tara, a native Chicago Bears fan, ended our conversation with a great
idea. She wondered what if every NFL fan could give a dollar to a fund
that helps the former players. I told her it was a terrific idea and
I’d look into the subject. It turns out she is on to something because
there is such a fund. It’s called the Gridiron Greats Assistance Fund,
an organization founded by former Green Bay Packer Jerry Kramer to give
help and financial assistance to retired players who are in dire need.

I doubt the NFL, the Players Union, or the owners are able to feel
shame but maybe if each one of us gives a little donation to the men
and families who sacrifice so much for our entertainment we can put an
end this ridiculous situation.


The link to Gridiron Greats Assistance Fund is:
http://www.gridirongreats.org/


I have already sent in a donation. Now I can watch the Super Bowl with
a slightly less guilty conscience.


The link for Real Sports w/ Bryant Gumbel is:
http://www.hbo.com/realsports/index.html.


If you have HBO try watching Real Sports w/ Bryant Gumbel because it’s
a great show.

Enjoy Super Bowl Sunday. Read The Hustle. And remember... give peace a
chance.

Spector Questions Destruction of Spy Tapes

The Hustle by Danny Russell


Friday, February 01, 2008
The Associated Press

WASHINGTON -- With the Super Bowl fast approaching, a senior Republican senator says he wants the NFL to explain why it destroyed evidence ofthe New England Patriots cheating scandal."I am very concerned about the underlying facts on the taping, the reasons for the judgment on the limited penalties and, most of all, on the inexplicable destruction of the tapes," said Sen. Arlen Specter,R-Pa., in a letter yesterday to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.Mr. Specter, the top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said the matter could put the league's antitrust exemption at risk."Their antitrust exemption has been on my mind for a long time," he said in a Capitol Hill news conference.The matter may not compare to the CIA's destruction of interrogation tapes, Mr. Specter said, but he added, "I do believe that it is a matter of importance. It's not going to displace the stimulus package or the Iraq war, but I think the integrity of football is very important, and I think the National Football League has a special duty to the American people -- and further, the Congress -- because they have an antitrust exemption.""It's a league matter," New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick said today during a news conference. "I don't know anything about it."The Patriots play Sunday in the Super Bowl against the New York Giants.NFL security confiscated a video camera and tape from a Patriots employee during New England's 38-14 victory over the New York Jets. The employee was accused of aiming his camera at the Jets' defensive coaches as they signaled to players on the field.Mr. Goodell fined Mr. Belichick $500,000, the maximum amount, and docked the team $250,000 and a first-round draft pick. It was the biggest fine ever for a coach and the first time in NFL history afirst-round draft pick has been confiscated as a penalty.After its investigation, the NFL said it destroyed all materials it received from the Patriots.In a Jan. 31 letter to Mr. Specter that the senator released today,Mr. Specter said the explanation "absolutely makes no sense at all,"and blasted the commissioner for failing to respond to his inquiries on the matter for more than two months. Mr. Goodell said in his letterthat he just became aware of Specter's questions yesterday."There's a credibility issue here," Mr. Specter said.Copyright 2007 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material maynot be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.First published on February 1, 2008 at 2:08 pm

Super Bowl 42: Mike D's Pointless Prediction

As I've said before I don't know why every one person with access to the internet feels the need to make predictions as to how games will go. Ultimately, no one is keeping track of who predicts what. Would you still read someone's blog or article if you knew for a fact they were horrendous at predicting the outcomes of games? Probably not. But there's no prediction watch dog on the internet and if you write about sports you've got to make your picks so here's mine for what it's worth (which is nothing).

The first thing that I'm looking for on Sunday is how much time Tom Brady has in the pocket. I think that over everything else will be the ultimate predictor of how the game will go. If Brady has time he's going to find the open receiver and the New England Patriots will score more than Eli Manning even if he plays the game of his career. If the New York Giants are able to get to Brady, force him into bad throws, make him move outside the pocket, this could be a game.

If they aren't able to do these things it could be a long day for the Giants, especially given the field conditions and how the Pats have performed when weather is not a factor. All the other variables - Brandon Jacobs establishing the run, Randy Moss' catch total, Eli's interceptions or lack thereof - all take a back seat to the Giants pass rush getting to Brady. If they don't the Patriots offense is more than capable of putting up over 40 points, something I don't think the Giants offense is capable of on their best day - which was about how they played in December the first time against the Pats. Eli played nearly lights-out, the Pats Defense was soft - they still only put up 28 on offense (not including the Special Teams TD).

My prediction? The Giants will get pressure on Brady but not consistently enough to force him into mistakes. The Pats will be prepared to deal with the pass rush and run enough play action and quick pass plays to keep the Giants honest. Randy Moss has been waiting to play in this game for too long to only have one catch. He will be a factor. As impressive as Eli Manning has been I'm just not sure if he's gonna be able to keep it up, especially on a stage like the Super Bowl. Remember Donovan McNabb puking during Super Bowl 39? The Patriots have been here, many of them multiple times, and they have shown all week that they know how to play in this game. I think that counts for a lot and ultimately that will be the difference.

New England Patriots 38, New York Giants 17MVP: Tom Brady (4 Tds)

Patriots Media Day Thoughts, News and Observations

Media Day at the Super Bowl is an absolute circus. Rich Eisen goes into great detail in his new book about exactly what goes down there. NFL.com is streaming the whole shebang live and it looks exactly like Eisen describes it. Some things that have stood out to me so far today...

- File this one in the "Just Happy to Be Here" files... the New York Giants getting off the plane with a majority of them holding video cameras recording it all for posterity. "This was the highlight of the Super Bowl for us, kids, getting off the plane". Most of them took Antonio Pierce's advice and wore all black suits. Did it not occur to them that it looked like they were arriving at their own funeral? I will point out many of the Patriots had cameras at Media Day, just not getting off of the plane. Still, I think it says something about the Giants.

- I've become a big fan Michael Strahan this week. Always respected him as a player but even more so after hearing him talk so much this week. The guy tells it like it is and has a great sense of humor. I can't get enough of him.

- When asked who would play him and Randy Moss in a movie, New England Patriots quarterback said Mel Gibson then changed it to Tom Hanks for himself and Denzel Washington for Randy. Who's he kidding? Brady's such a pimp he would probably play himself.

- Randy Moss said that he would like to finish his career as a Patriot. Now he just has to take a below market offer or put his money where his mouth is. I know there are a lot of teams out there (Jacksonville Jaguars, Pittsburgh Steelers) that would love to snag him.

- The Patriots will wear their Blue Uniforms in the Super Bowl. The Giants will wear their whites. The Pats wore the blues in Super Bowl 36 and 38, they wore whites in Super Bowl 39.

- A woman in a wedding dress proposed to Tom Brady today. He turned her down, saying he was a "one-woman man". And oh, what a woman he's got...

- American Idol dimwit Kelli Pickler is at Media Day interviewing people. She cornered Patriots rookie Brandon Meriweather, saying she really liked his long dreadlocks. I'm sure she's adding a lot of interesting commentary to the proceedings. She is there for Jay Leno's Tonight Show. When you don't have writers just unleash a moron and give her free reign.

- Yes folks, Tom Brady confirmed that he does drive a hybrid and even threw in a plug for Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth". Okay, even I'm starting to get a little sick of how pefect he is.

- Patriots Special Team Captain Larry Izzo keeping it classy with a fat dip in while Steve "Mooch" Mariucci was intervewing him.

- Tom Brady is definitely excited to be out of the cold weather and even hinted in his presser that it affected how the team played later in the year. That wouldn't be good if you're the Giants.

- For what it's worth, one of the absolute best football websites on the internets Cold, Hard Football Facts makes an argument that Super Bowl 42 could be the "mismatch of the century". Of course, much of this is due to the fact that the Pats stats were so astronomical but still, none of it bodes well for New York.

http://www.coldhardfootballfacts.com/Articles/11_2117_Mismatch_of_the_Centur

- I just have to give serious props to the NFL Network and specifically NFL.com for broadcasting all of Media Day on live internet streams. Five live cameras showed every moment of it all, it's like heroin to hard-core fans like me.

Tom Brady's High Ankle Sprain-Gate: The Perfect Non-Story to Keep Distractions Limited

Tom Jackson appeared almost upset today on ESPN's NFL Countdown. He was convinced that New England Patriots QB Tom Brady is not injured and the Pats are playing games with the media and trying to use the leaked photos from last week to their advantage. I happen to agree with him. All year the Pats have been victims of weekly controversies. Rightly so on some weeks (Spygate - San Diego Chargers, Rodney Harrison HGH - New York Jets), not so much on others (Run Up the Score Gate - Washington Redskins , Randy Moss Hurt-My-Finger Gate - Jacksonville Jaguars).

The point is that this week the Patriots are CONTROLLING the controversy, instead of playing the victim. They kept Tom Brady completely isolated from the Press. We know for sure he didn't practice at all on Thursday and missed at least the first portion of practice on Friday. Brady's street clothes and white sneakers were laid out in front of his locker in an almost theatrical way. Then today, just as the controversy was starting to die down another report in the Boston Herald comes out saying Brady was seen "limping" around Boston earlier in the weekend. The fires are relit. Is it true? Maybe Brady is actually really injured? Every player seems 100% confident and completely unconcerned about Brady's chances of playing in the Super Bowl. But this is the controversy that won't die, and it's almost conveniently taken any kind of spotlight off of Randy Moss, (whose lawyer will be in Florida tomorrow for the hearing on "H-M-F Gate").

The Patriots have done a good job in protecting their star quarterback through this latest media frenzy. Rumors are leaking out that he was sick in last weekends 3 interception performance against the San Diego Chargers. It is good that he hasn't had to answer questions about his poor performance last weekend and focus 100% on playing the New York Giants in the Super Bowl. Sure, Brady could've been available to the press all week and told them the exact same thing all his teammates have told them - that's he fine and will be ready to go for the big game - the story would be dead today even if someone did see him a bit gimpish in Beantown. But instead the media can do nothing but speculate on an injury that, by all accounts, won't matter one bit when it comes to the Super Bowl. Much better they're talking about that than something else, like why Randy Moss only has two catches in the playoffs and zero touchdowns.

It Goes to 11 – The Super Bowl

The Hustle by Danny Russell

As several frigid winter storms pulverize the usually tranquil Santa Monica Bay into a cauldron of churning, un-swimmable, bacteria filled garbage consommé; the Super Bowl hype machine ceremoniously amps up its bloviating about New England Patriot greatness all the way past ten - it goes to 11. The frenzied national beast known as the media are busy selling an all too accepting American public the likely crowning of the first undefeated champion since 1972. What sheep dip!

I’ve been watching the pigskin on the boob tube since my satellite HDTV was a rabbit-eared B&W TV. Back when the only time you heard the word satellite was when Walter Cronkite was reporting from the Kremlin on Sputnik. For God’s sake I can remember when the competition was played in mid-January. I recall the halcyon days before SportsCenter, NFL Today, Sunday NFL Countdown, Football Night in America, Monday Night Countdown, Total Access, and PTI. I remember when Around the Horn actually meant around the horn.

In other words, I’m old.
And to quote the famous line from my favorite 70’s movie, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

Well, I’m done. Call me nuts because I don’t buy into the New England Patriots. Label me a conspiracy theorist because I see what’s really going on – the truth.

First of all, I’ve been highly skeptical of the red, white, blue, and silver clad Bostonians ever since 2002 when they catapulted to their first Lombardi trophy with the help of the infamous “Tuck Rule.” That call is still horse hockey. And why are there so many damn phantom holding calls against their opponent week after week conveniently right after a team takes a lead or rips off a big run? It’s like clockwork almost every time: tweet, the ref blows his whistle, the play begins, a little yellow hanky drops onto the turf, and bam, 1st and 20. Instant drive killer. If only there were replays to check the referees’ calls then I could stop writing and give the Nor’easters their props. But there are no replays. The networks force feed us promo after promo for their rotten reality programming like the God awful KidNation or American Idol instead of showing us an instant replay as visual proof. Even Tivo is useless to help you see what they won’t show.

Next, spotless Tom Brady, with more time in the pocket than the Artful Dodger and Fagin from Oliver Twist, picks apart another secretly video taped secondary as his 325 pound linemen grab hold of 325 pound defensive linemen’s jerseys like they are plus size partners on Dancing with the Stars. But still, there are no flags. There just isn’t enough time during the 4 or 5 hour broadcast for replays to show the appalling non-calls that actually could (but I doubt) exonerate the already proven guilty Billicheats. The endless stream of sound effects, graphics, charts, clips, tables, indexes, game breaks, updates, promos, interviews, text message requests, and robotic overhead crowd shots are dizzying. Who has time to squeeze in a replay of a boring little holding call?

I’ll admit the Pats are a talented bunch. They seemingly manage every aspect of the game quite well. The front office shrewdly pulls the right strings like letting an over rated Deion Branch go, stealing the brilliant Randy Moss from Dictator Al Davis, or bringing back the cagey Troy Brown every year. And their coaching staff tries very hard. I’m far from alone when I agree with Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson after he needled the Hatriots during their videotaping scandal by saying they live by the credo, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.”
Amen, brother. Can I get a witness?

The Pat players are good, maybe great, but we’ll never really truly know because NFL commissioner Jolly Roger Goodell destroyed the Spygate evidence so fast that Tricky Dick Nixon is still spinning in his grave and Trickier Dick Cheney is chortling in his crypt. Those tapes must have been pretty damning. All apologies to Robert Craft. Sorry Chowderheads. Your team will forever live with suspicion, doubt, and tarnished trophies.

But don’t feel bad for the Unibomber coach and his merry men of Foxborough Forest because Mr. Monotone will quickly recover his $500,000 slap on the wrist fine during the off season from one of his many endorsements and speaking engagements for corporate thievedoms everywhere. And even though the team deserves having their seventh pick in the draft stripped, the league did nothing and Bellijerk will hypocritically make the rounds on the talk shows or lecture circuit preaching to high schoolers, college graduates, and executives on the finer points of sportsmanship, ethics, and how to win (at all costs) as long as no one asks him what was really on those tapes.

I can deal with the Patriots success and somewhat appreciate their perfect season and I promise I don’t hate them but only if I am allowed one question: May I please get a replay?

The Hustle Super Bowl XLII Prediction:

New England Patriots: 34New York Giants: 24(Referees: 11 – They go to 11 too.)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Remember...
Give peace a try.

SUPER BORING!

Is it just me or has the Super Bowl become the newest addition to the long list of days where the only reason we care so much is because we are going to get drunk. Now this isn’t to say that I don’t love football, quite the contrary, I am a die hard NFL fan and will always watch a game no matter the circumstances. As of late though, the Super bowl has become something of a one sided contest that always feels so over hyped that by the time the game is due to arrive, I’m sick and tired of it. I might be an old grouch but if so what has the super bowl truly become? I mean save for the 2003 contest where the Bucs won, the NFC is truly a delusion of its former self, losing all but one of the last seven holy bowl games. This scenario doesn’t just happen it’s a spiral that started (thought weirdly) with the giants loss to Baltimore in 2001. And it has culminated with the last two terribly boring games that had no real value other than to say told you so to your coworker the next day. I mean personally the championship games are more fun to watch just because of the closeness of the competitors. Either way the super bowl has become more of a time when families get together for beers and barbecuing than the actual “game” and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, its just about realizing that things have changed. The advertisers over the past 10 years have realized what a gold market the super bowl is for their products that we now have a commercial every first down. It also strikes me how funny it is that every year we want Budweiser to craft another brilliant frog commercial but alas to no avail. As I said before, I might just sound like a old timer but that constant sense of product placement grows older every second I watch the game. So, hopefully soon we will have two teams that can keep me hooked to the television for 4 freaking hours but until then, let the super boring bowl reign supreme.

A Look Back: Patriots vs. Giants Round One

This is only the second time that two teams that met in the regular season finale will meet again in the Super Bowl. The first time was in 1977 when the Dallas Cowboys defeated the Denver Broncos 14-6 in the finale, then 27-10 in the Super Bowl. What can we learn from looking back at the first time the New England Patriots and New York Giants met back in late December?

First off, everyone is well aware what was at stake. The Patriots were going for 16-0 and the NFL made the great decision to allow the game to air on both NBC and CBS instead of just the cable-deadlocked NFL Network. This game ended up being the most watched broadcast in U.S. television history with an estimated 107.3 million viewers. The Giants were up 28-16 in the third quarter but just couldn't get that one more score they needed to lock it up. The Pats responded with three straight touchdowns and held on for the 38-35 win.

Many complimented Tom Coughlin for playing his starters for the entire game and they rose to the occasion in a Super Bowl-like atmosphere. Now it's being said it was this game, with the Giants proving to themselves that they could hang with the undefeated Pats, that sparked the G-men's playoff run. Eli Manning had arguably his best game as a pro (until that time) throwing four TDs and and over 250 yards (and one costly interception when the Giants were down by 3 and driving with about 9 minutes left in the game).

The Giants were able to get decent pressure on Tom Brady, though they sacked him only once, they did get 8 QB Hits. This might've had to do with the fact that New England was missing starting RG Stephen Neal and starting RT Nick Kaczur as well as blocking monster TE Kyle Brady in the game. Brandon Jacobs, who many predicted would run all over the Pats had a good but not great day (just over 100 yard total offense, 1 TD). He had some good runs but ultimately did not do enough to put New York over the top. Plaxico Burress was New York's most dangerous player showing a preview of the dominance he's exerted in the playoffs with two TDs.

It was a fairly typical win for the 2007 Pats - mostly done with the passing game and the defense bending but not breaking completely (though this was the most points they gave up all season). Wes Welker and Randy Moss (2 Tds) both went over 100 yards. Laurence Maroney (2 Tds & a 2-point conversion) only had 46 yards rushing but had some key carries. The Patriots defense did not apply much pressure on Eli Manning, sacking him only once and getting only 2 QB hits. It almost seemed like once the Pats started clicking on all cylinders mid-way through the third quarter the Giants had to score or make a stop, and they couldn't do either.

Ultimately the Giants had the Patriots where they wanted them and could just not put them away. The Patriots did have some protection issues but were without three of their starting players that are their best blockers. Neither team was dominant on the ground, putting the game in the hands of the quarterbacks and in the end, Tom Brady made one less mistake than Eli Manning and that ended up being the game.

Based on how this game played out, what changes might Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlin be looking to make? For the Pats, they must shut down Brandon Jacobs again, keep Plaxico Burress from making the big play and try to get more pressure on Eli Manning. If given the kind of time he had in the first game, this new mistake-free Eli will torch the Pats D and keep the G-men in the game. For the Giants they must find a way to shut down Moss and Welker while not letting Laurence Maroney run wild like he did last week against the San Diego Chargers. A special teams TD like they got in the first game would be a significant help in keeping up with the high-scoring Pats as well. Most important will be getting pressure on Tom Brady. The Giants have the D-linemen to do it and therein could lie to the key to the game.

Another Week, Another Controversy: Brady's Broken-Foot-Gate

Lucky for New England Patriots fans it looks like Tom Brady's foot is okay. He was spotted out again last night going to dinner with his lady and he was now wearing cowboy boots. I don't know what exactly the issue is with Brady's foot or ankle or whatever but couldn't he find some shoes that would offer a little more support than cowboy boots? It's almost like Brady was so ticked off by the media frenzy that he purposely wore the least supportive shoes he could find just to prove he was okay. The only thing that would've been less helpful would've been flip-flops, but those are kind of impractical in NYC in January. And you can't get into clubs like Butter in flip flops, even if you're the NFL MVP. Plus I'm sure Gisele finds cowboy boots really sexy. Who doesn't? After all Brady is the Stetson man. I think he should've come out in a wheelchair just to throw some gasoline on the media firestorm and actually give New York Giants fans a prayer that they could win.

Colin Cowherd suggested this morning on ESPN radio that Brady might've done it on purpose. That he was in the SUV, saw the paparazzi and had ample opportunity to take off the walking cast but instead chose to leave it on so that people would no longer be talking about Randy Moss. I think Colin's giving a little too much credit to the ever-secretive Patriots. The reason no one is talking about Randy Moss is that there's nothing to talk about. Every detail that has come out since last weeks "hurt-my-finger-gate" accusation has supported Moss' side of the story. I doubt Brady is putting that much thought into it. More likely he just wanted to get inside and get naked with his supermodel girlfriend and didn't want to waste time taking off a ski boot. Everyone knows what happens when you bring your girlfriend flowers after just winning the AFC Championship to go to the Super Bowl. A no holds barred naked tickle fight. I'm sure the foot put a bit of a damper on their sexcapades but everyone needs it slow and gentle sometimes, right? Even crazy hot super models. At least that's what I've heard...

Regardless, as Peter King said this morning also on Cowherd's show, it's doubtful that Broken-Foot-Gate will be the thing getting discussed next weekend after the Super Bowl is over. Patriots Fans are hoping that Brady will be healed and return to the form of the Jacksonville Jaguar game when he was nearly perfect. With the New York Giants pass rush the Pats can't afford to have Brady already a bit gimpy.

I am Brett Favre. We Are Brett Favre.

The Hustle by Danny Russell

When you are willing to kill your last few remaining brain cells watching the Jimmy Kimmel Show and he introduces Gene Simmons as his next guest but you still keep watching – it might be time to get a life. For reasons unknown, I continued watching Mr. Tongue hold court with Mr. ABC promoting the fact that he was fired off the reality show, Celebrity Apprentice. There’s something about The Donald’s existence in the universe that defies the laws of gravity, style, logic, taste, and common sense. By the way, I have never seen the show but just the thought of its cancellation somehow makes me very happy. I was tired and began nodding off.

Suddenly, I perked up. The old Kisser had actually said something interesting. He was bragging about how rich and smart he is and went on to explain that he is a brilliant marketer and an advertising king. He went on pontificating that he was the genius who thought up all those branding promotions for businesses like Kodak, the NHL, and he came up with the “I am Indy” campaign for Indycar.com. He said the art of selling is all about taking brands down from their big lofty ivory towers and making them emotional. He claims to have started a wave of these “I am…” commercials. “I am Starbucks, I am the NFL,” and blah blah blah. What’s next, I am Preparation H?

And then it hit me. I know why virtually everyone in America loves Brett Favre. Most football fans have developed a deep emotional connection to him. He doesn’t exist way up in an ivory tower; he exists in all of our collective hearts. Our attachment to all things Brett made us desperately pull for him. We needed him to get one last shot at going out on top but the New York football Giants and the other Manning ruined it for all of us. In actuality, the Packers defeat was caused by Brett’s self inflicted wound – that’s what really made it hurt. Unless, of course, you’re reading this within a fifty mile radius of the Big Apple, then you probably went to bed with a little smile. However, the rest of us hit the pillow slightly depressed that he hadn’t led the Cheeseheads to a storybook overtime victory.

We’re all connected to our favorite greybeard this side of Letterman because for so long we’ve seen him pull rabbit after rabbit from his magic helmet and we’ve come to expect it. Fans have witnessed him do everything from celebrating miracle finishes on the field to mourning life’s tragedies off it. I must admit, watching Green Bay lose the NFC Championship at home last night because of Favre’s overtime pickoff stings almost as badly as his probable frostbitten nose.

For people over thirty years of age, he proves that, as we age, we are still able to perform at or above the level we used to when we were younger. Heck, he’s even improved, so maybe we can too. And for you kids under 30 years of age, Favre is a true living legend. He’s your link to history. Someday, you’ll be telling stories to your kids about watching him play just like Grandpa used to tell you about Joe Namath, Terry Bradshaw, and Joe Montana. Although, none of the afore mentioned Hall of Famers would have thrown an interception in overtime. Well, okay, maybe the Blonde Bomber might have.

We all lived and breathed through Favre on the field Sunday night and now it feels like a little piece of us died out there on the frozen tundra. But I’m sure old # 4 will be back next year to give it another valiant effort. I sure hope he comes back just so I can still say, “I am Brett Favre.”

Right now, I’m going to watch Peter Chriss make frittatas with Rachael Ray.

Patriots Get It Done Against the Chargers

It wasn't pretty. It wasn't a blowout. But in the end the New England Patriots got key contributions from some of their biggest question marks this season and defeated the San Diego Chargers to advance to the Super Bowl. Let's start with the Defense. All year the pundits said the Patriots were vulnerable on D and for much of the season they ranked near the bottom of the league in red zone defense. However yesterday the Pats D, led by an ageless Junior Seau, held the Chargers to just four field goals on the day, stopping them three times inside the 20-yard line. Yet again they held the oppositions running game in check which should finally put to rest any argument that the Pats can be run on. The last time they let someone rush for 100-yards was against the Steelers on December 9th. Yet again the Defense has stepped it up late in the season and is playing championship football. They are by no means the weak link on this team.

The most surprising aspect of yesterday's game was Tom Brady's lackluster performance. If you had told me he would throw three interceptions before the game I would've conceded there would be a strong chance the Chargers would pull off the upset. But the Patriots are a team that can play any kind of football. Brady's having an off day? Randy Moss only has one catch? Laurence Maroney and Kevin Faulk stepped up. Again, there were questions all year if the Pats were all pass, no run but the AFC Championship Game was another solid example that Maroney was well worth the first round pick New England spent on him and Kevin Faulk continues to be one of the most underrated players in the NFL. To be able to run the clock out after getting it with over 9 minutes left in the fourth quarter is amazing and the kind of dominance you need in the playoffs. The Defense held the Offense up all day until the end when the Pats running backs iced the game without putting the Defense in the position to have to make another stop.

It was a fitting end to get the Patriots into the Super Bowl against the New York Giants, who pulled of a brilliant upset of the Green Bay Packers. The Pats proved that they are a complete team, capable of winning any kind of game. Need a lot of points? They can do that. Smash mouth football with tight defense? They can do that too. The Chargers played well and have plenty to build on. Their defense is young and gained some valuable experience this year. Philip Rivers won the respect of many with his gutsy performance playing with two bum knees and keeping his mouth shut for the entire game. Next years rematch in San Diego will undoubtedly be another war. I'm sure Charger fans are hoping Ladanian Tomlinson will be more than a spectator in that one.

The Patriots are now one win away from the perfect 19-0 season and will be going up against a team that they've already beaten. Should be a fun couple weeks of buildup.

NFL Conference Championship Picks

Welp this is it, the last football weekend before the endless hype of the Super Bowl. Personally I find the conference championships to be much more enjoyable to watch than the actuall Super Bowl. They are played at a team's homefield, in front of their fans, often in difficult weather conditions. The Super Bowl on the other hand is more like an exhibition game. It's a neutral site, usually in a dome and the real fans of the teams playing are most often stuck up in the 300s. Sure, the Super Bowl gets all the glory, but the conference championships are for the real fans. And, as it's been for most of this decade, the AFC Championship has been the real Super Bowl anyway. On to my picks...

New York Giants at Green Bay Packers
A couple of great story lines for this game. First and foremost is Brett Favre. I have to admit prior to this season I was in the crowd who just wanted him to retire. But watching him play this season has been an absolute joy. He's surrounded with a young team that has rallied around him. They showed the poise of a veteran team by bouncing back last week after getting down 14-0 to the Seattle Seahawks. Ryan Grant looks like a legit keeper for fantasy football players and the Packers passing attack might even be able to stick with the Pats should they both advance.

The Giants have faced the same issues they've always faced since Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin took over. But this year Eli has finally delivered in a few big games, and has all the media pundits asking if he's finally "turned a corner". I don't know about that. He still kind of looks like a deer in headlights to me. Nothing about him screams leader of men. But right now he's getting the job done. Kudos Coughlin for playing his starters against the Pats. They earned the respect of the league and set the tone for the playoffs and their upset of the Dallas Cowboys.
Weather will be factor this weekend, that can level the playing field but I think the Packers at home will be too much for the Giants to topple. It comes back to the fact that the Giants have already made their season. They don't need to beat the Packers for them to consider 2007 to be a step forward for both the organization and Eli. Packers 28, Giants 14

San Diego Chargers at New England Patriots
This will be the third time these teams have met in the past year and clearly there's no love lost between them. In last years playoffs the Chargers were the favorites that were shocked by the underdog Patriots. Earlier this year, in game two, the Pats thumped the Chargers in the aftermath of Spygate. This time the undefeated Pats are heavily favored and the Chargers are facing injuries to three of their top stars. All indicators point to a Pats win but the Chargers Defense can make plays.

This one probably just comes down to the simple factor of turnovers. The Pats have the fewest giveaways, the Chargers have the most takeaways. Pressure on Tom Brady will be a factor as well, but he has been blitzed more than any other QB in the NFL this year and still managed to throw 50 TDs. Of course on any given Sunday anything can happen, but after the season New England has had I can't see them coming out flat in this one. And that would probably be the only way the Chargers would have a chance. Like the Giants, the Chargers' season has already been made by virtue of their upset of the Colts. Even if they lose this weekend they can feel like they actually did build on last years 14-2 season. It will be close early, but the Pats will pull away in the second half. New England 38, San Diego 14

Randy Moss Situation

It seems like there hasn't been a single week this season for the New England Patriots where they haven't had to face some kind of controversy. Rodney Harrison HGH suspension gate (New York Jets). Handshake gate (Indianapolis Colts). Spygate (entire NFL). Run up the score gate (Dallas Cowboys, Washington Redskins, Miami Dolphins, etc.). Vince Wilfork fell into me on purpose gate (Buffalo Bills). It's been a never ending stream of media hype every week, with Skip Bayless on ESPN always vehemently arguing the asinine side every argument. So this week some girl in Florida files a restraining order against Randy Moss. At first people weren't sure if it was Patriots Star receiver Randy Moss. It might've been another Randy Moss. But no, it was in fact the wide receiver who holds the NFL record for TD grabs in a season, #81 in your program but #2 (to Tom Brady) in your heart Pats Fans, Randall Gene Moss.

Randy comes out yesterday morning and talks with the press at length. This is the longest I have ever seen a player stump from their locker. He said that he told Belichick, and BB said to focus on football. But I am sure BB also gave him permission to give a vehement denial to the press.

Today word from the accuser's lawyer comes out that she injured a finger, but it was neither CUT nor BROKEN. Moss lawyer claims that she hurt it during "Consensual Horseplay". She never claimed that he hit her. So, that's where we stand. Sounds alot to me like she stubbed her finger, saw a chance to get some money out of a millionaire NFL star, and made her move. At least that's what I believe is the most likely scenario as of now, given the evidence.

Regardless, why do we have to get hit with another stupid controversy? Every week. And now all we get to hear is endless debate about Randy Moss' character, with Skip Bayless arguing he should in fact be neutered. I just want to hear them talk about this weekends matchup. Give us the facts on Moss' situation then talk about the game. Because right now hurt my finger gate sounds like a non-story to me in terms of how it will impact the Patriots against the San Diego Chargers. Last time they played the Chargers the Patriots were on the front page of every sports paper in the country. Being called cheaters. Their Super Bowl wins being called "tainted". Do you really think Randy Moss being accused of twisting some girls finger is going to cause the Pats to lose focus? In the AFC Championship? Being 17-0? Uh, no.

PacMan Jones Interview

Anyone who watches the NFL on a regular basis will tell you that Adam "PacMan" Jones is a tremendous talent. Sixth overall pick in the 2005 NFL draft out of West Virginia. Track star speed. A leader on the field.

An athletic and physical corner, Jones is among the top players at his position. A dynamic game-breaker in the return game, Jones has the ability to make an impact whenever he steps on the field.

For all his talent and promise on the field, Jones is a complete enigma off it. Since joining the professional ranks, brushes with the law have occurred with astonishing regularity ... and have escalated steadily to a more criminal nature. Alleged offenses included assault, felony vandalism, public intoxication, obstruction of justice, and even multiple spitting incidents. PacMan's prodigious body of misbehavior culminated during the NBA all-star break in Las Vegas last February when a money-tossing free-for-all at a strip club led to a shooting that ultimately paralyzed the victim. The incident not only landed the phrase "make it rain" a permanent spot in the American lexicon, but also landed Jones in the crosshairs of NFL sheriff Roger Goodell. The NFL commish had finally seen enough and suspended the mercurial Jones for the entire 2008 season.

Since the suspension, Jones has continued to stay in the news, parlaying his "bad boy" image into a tag team gig with TNA wrestling and opportunities in the music industry.

In the spirit of riveting exclusive one-on-one interviews with controversial athletes, The West Bias has been able to secure an exclusive (and completely and utterly fictional) interview with Adam “PacMan” Jones over the holidays.

Here are excerpts from the interview. The full unedited interview can be seen in its entirety after this Sunday’s AFC championship game on “59 Minutes” on See-BS.

I understand that your nickname PacMan comes from your voracious thirst for milk as a child. What is your favorite type of milk?

I love whole milk. The pure unadultered shit. None of this skim or 2 % bs.

I can always tell which bitches drink the whole and which don't. I don't make it rain for no skim-drinking stripper.

I understand you have been collaborating on a rap album with Spoaty and Posterboyz. How is that going? Can you spit a few sick rhymes for us?

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head ...
I want to know, have you ever seen the rain ...
And I love a rainy night ...
I've seen fire and I've seen rain ...
Somewhere over the rainbow ...
Little drops of rain, whispers of the pain...
It's rainin' men, hallelujah it's rainin' men...
Purple rain, purple rain
I, I, I, I am the rain king
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

How you like me now bitch?

So do you smoke weed? The ganja? Herb?

No, never.

Your thoughts on the Michael Vick situation?

I like Mike, but he should know better man. If you're going to gamble away your entire career, you go to Vegas. Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

I see you are part of the TNA wrestling family. What attracted you to TNA? What's your finishing move?

What attracted me to TNA? For real for real? You serious? That's too easy man. Too easy.

My finishing move? The rainmaker of course. I throw a bunch of bills in the ring and let the bitches chase after it. Then I pop up em with my favorite foreign object. Know what I'm sayin' player? It's light out from there. Them bitches love the rainmaker.

Like the Million Dollar man said, everyone's got a price.

I guess you still watch football. What are your thoughts about the playoffs.

I like that Tom Brady cat. He's a straight pimp man. Kid with one hot model and dating another. And he's a pretty good QB too. Keep it pimpin' pimp.

Tony Romo. He's a player too. I'd hit that Jessica Simpson in a heartbeat.

Thoughts on the upcoming election?

I have always been fascinated with the electoral process in America. The two-party system is the very foundation of our democracy and I welcome the vigorous debate it engenders. The 2008 election is shaping up to be a watershed moment in American political history.

I consider myself to be a fiscal conservative but more moderate to liberal in terms of social issues. To me, our next president should be more isolationist in foreign affairs and open-minded in terms of domestic policy.

Uhhh, OK. Last question. Pacman, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

What kind of punk-ass question is that? A friggin' tree? C'mon now man. What a stupid question. Who told you to ask me that?

If I were a tree? For real?

OK. If I were a tree, I'd be a money tree. So I can make it rain all day long. Like that kids book.

Or an oak. Like Wyatt Earp in Tombstone. Yep, I'm an oak alright.



Editor’s Note: David Gignilliat is a freelance writer in the vast suburban sprawl of Northern Virginia. He likes to crochet, name inanimate objects and has a profound passion for slang. Please check out his “modern invented slang” blog Quixotica at http://quixoticawords.blogspot.com/. It’s the ant’s pants.